This is for the new Dear Reader, or those just curious to
see what occasionally goes on in my kitchen behind the safety of closed
doors and unfortunately only very occasionally between consenting adults.
The following has all been tried with various degrees of er, success
by myself, and surprisingly, very little either food or kitchen hardware
has gone <BANG!> and embedded itself
in the surrounding work surfaces, walls, ceiling or my face.
The following pages are for those who can't be arsed to
make food in that 'Delia Smith TV Cookery Program' chintzy style that
seems to take hours to make and wash up, but only a matter of minutes
to eat. A simple rule of thumb is that if it takes you longer to eat it
than it does to cook it and wash up, you're on the right track. They are
also for those on such a tight budget that the idea of going out and blowing
more than a tenner on food in a week is completely alien. This is for The
Skint, and what with the recent and ongoing rises in everything from food to
fuel to taxes, I guess its going to be of interest to a growing proportion of
the (...er, alternate-way-of-thinking...) general public.
Also, I must just point out that I personally take no responsibility whatsoever for any possible disasters that may happen in your kitchen. If you get burned, poisoned or stabbed, then I'm sorry, but you're on your own. Also it is very important to note is that this food should never, ever be fed to small children or furry animals.
Likewise, the preparation of these dishes should only be undertaken by a
responsible adult who isn't too drunk at that time.
This is food solely for grown-ups as certain dishes lack many
vitamins, minerals, fibre and the general balance so essential to the young. I
must just also say that long-term use of my diet is not really recommended even
to those brave adults. Embarrassing skin diseases such as scurvy, rickets,
loose teeth and hair-loss may result.
So, Dear Reader. You have been
warned!
"Anyway, enough with your weasly so-called
'Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Cards', Wardo. Get on with it!"
Okay.
First off, we meet 'The Cast'. This is the list of
those characters known as 'devices'. These are normally electric by their
nature and plug into the mains, so just a modicum of care should be applied here
in their use.
They include:
- The Kettle.
- The Humble Bread Toaster.
- The Electric Toasted Sandwich maker.
- The 'George Foreman' type griddle. **Soon to be purchased.
- The Slow Cooker. **Likewise.
- The Microwave Oven.
- The Cooker itself. (Only to be used as a last resort when all else fails.)
- Various household items and general small engineering hand tools that
weren't necessarily primarily intended for kitchen use.
Not a very long list, I grant you, but you will see that
they can be put to (...or abused in?..) a myriad of interesting and fun
ways.
The Kettle.
A much maligned and under-used piece of equipment,
this. You would have thought that it should be used exclusively for
the boiling water. Not so. In a tight squeeze, the kettle can be
used for so much more than the designers ever in their wildest dreams
(...nightmares?..) ever intended.
Obviously, its primary and most boring use.
If you have no microwave, this is where things start to
get quite fun.
Most kettles these days are the automatic type that switch
off when the water is boiling. While this is a good thing for the
boiling of water, for many of our uses, its not strictly
useful.
Most soup is much more viscous than water, so I've found that
what tends to happen if you just whack a tin in, switch on and forget it, is
that while the soup immediately surrounding the elements goes supernova
in a couple of seconds, the soup just a few millimetres around it doesn't get
the heat because its just too thick to move about as water does. There may
be something about the 'Specific Heat Capacity' going on here as well, but its a
good few decades since I put that to any use.
The resulting burnt black bits, floating in only luke-warm
gloop isn't necessarily all that attractive -or that nutritious. Also,
because of this 'supernova' effect you run a very high risk of the element
failing, and if you haven't put the lid on the kettle very tightly, just imagine
the hours of fun you can have with surface, wall and ceiling cleaner
afterwards as you quickly notice that your kitchen decoration has definitely
taken on that 'Jackson Pollack On Bad Acid' look.
The solution to this problem is to 'pulse-wait-pulse' the
'On' switch while swirling to the kettle around to get the soup to move around
the element.
While the soup is still cold, you use short pulses of a
couple of seconds or even less, but as it warms up (...and thins down...), you
can lengthen them but with longer and longer resting pauses in between.
I know, a bit of a drag in practice, but if your cooker and
microwave go on the fritz -or like me, you just don't yet have one- and you
haven't necessarily eaten much in the last couple of days, it can be a real
life-safer.
The actual type and flavour of soup is pretty critical
as well. The less 'lumpy' the better, as I've found that unless you can
regularly use a wooden spoon (...or child's foot long plastic ruler...) to clear
the elements, little bits rapidly get stuck to the element and are a real swine
to get off. Also, after the experiment, subsequent cups of tea and coffee
are quite exciting, as you never quite know what is going to be lurking
in the bottom of your mug as you tilt your head back to drain it.
Additional note: I know this is going to sound a bit
'wimpy' here, but as soon as you've eaten your soup, thoroughly clean out
your new best friend. I know its not generally seen as polite or
good-mannered to immediately rise from the table (...or more probably, the
sofa...) when you've just eaten, but by thoroughly cleaning out your kettle
immediately, it shows you are sorry for abusing it so recklessly, but
you still really, really love it. It will be much more
compliant in the future and will return that love a thousand fold.
Honest.
If your kettle is like mine and has a level indicator to show
water level, pay particular attention to this when flushing it out.
...Your first cup of 'Cream of Tomato Flavoured Tea and Two Sugars' as your next
hot drink will confirm that what I say is indeed sensible and true.
Another very important
point is that when you have finished washing it, make sure it really is as
dry as a bone before next you use it. Particularly round the mains
inlet area.
We all should know the following very simple maths equation:-
'Water' + '240
volts' = 'Taking the rest of the street out'
+ 'Making enemies from your neighbours' as
they hunt round in the pitch dark for the candles, cursing while waiting for the
arrival of the Very Grumpy man from The Electricity Company. He too was
just sitting down to his dinner, quite happily watching 'Eastenders' until you
took it into your head to make an attempt at 'Riding The Lightening'.
I was initially loathed to try this, but as they may say,
necessity is the mother of invention. Especially when you have nothing
in the cupboards (...and more importantly, your stomach...) and you won't
get any money in for a couple of days.
For this to work properly, you must fill the kettle as full
of water as the manufacturers allow and turn it on to boil. While this is
happening, measure out a cup of any of your favourite dried pasta. Once
the water has boiled, whack it in and use the pulse method (...or until the
kettle switches itself off at boiling point...) as before. A careful eye
has to be kept on any pasta that doesn't float and again, the wooden spoon or
plastic ruler method is preferred to keep the pasta from sticking to the
element. Note though that most rulers go all bendy when in boiling water,
so you may have to hunt round to find a substitute before you attempt
this culinary experience. A well-washed and sterilized, broken-up
wooden clothes hanger works excellently, I'm told.
Very similar to pasta, but with an even greater propensity
to stick to the element, so frequent use the stirrer is needed. Like
pasta, the cooking time is about the same as in a conventional (...and
boring...) hob pan. Ignore the instructions on the packet though about the
amount of water to cook it in. As with the pasta, as much as the kettle
will hold, but you should obviously keep an eye on it while cooking. To
me, there is nothing worse in rice than it being overcooked and
splitting, halfway to rice pudding.
This is fairly advanced 'Kettle Cooking' as it requires
both hands and a fair amount of dexterity in execution.
As with the pasta, a kettle full of boiling water is
required. Lift the lid of the kettle and start to feed in the pasta, but
just as when you used to cook it in better (...but far, far less
interesting...) times, you have to use one hand on the spaghetti to feed it in
as it goes soft, and the other doing the 'pulse method' on the power switch as
previously outlined.
A note here that the spaghetti, unless very carefully
watched will stick to the element, so at least in the early stages of
cooking before the entire load has softened, you are going to have to juggle the
spaghetti, the power switch and the non-bendy-stirring-implement of your
choice. Quite challenging to accomplish, but the results are more
than worth it. See later for actual recipes, and as with just about
anything else in life: "Practice Makes Perfect".
As previously mentioned, immediate cleaning is a must
after all Kettle Cooking. I can personally attest that 'Minestrone
Nescafé', while sounding quite exciting, really can be a bit of a
drag at 7.30 the following morning while watching the breakfast news on TV.
Fun to do, but not for the nervous of disposition.
Fears of the egg cracking against the element turned out unjustified. Use
about half a kettle full of water rather than filling it right up -it saves
power. Your kettle mustn't mind being nearly being kept on the boil
for a few minutes. Boiling times are about 25% more than you would expect
from a pan of constantly boiling water. I think the main thing here is experimentation
with the timing and whether you like your eggs soft or hard boiled. Of
course, there is no danger of it sticking to the element.
As with the previous temporary inhabitants in there, you have
to make sure you wash and dry it out very well afterwards. If for
some reason you get a lingering 'eggy' odour left in there, the solution is a
couple of tea spoons of bicarbonate of soda when the water in it is cold.
Rinse round and leave for a couple of minutes. If you want some fun, then
add the bicarbonate while the water is warm, or even better yet, switch the
kettle back on after you've added it. This will take you right back to
being a five year old again and the fun you had in 'science' lessons, but you
must really enjoy cleaning up afterwards...
Same really as with the pasta and rice, though there is
less danger of sticking, you might want to keep and eye on things every minute
or so.
So, to sum up, the kettle is a great tool for use in emergencies (...or for a
laugh...), but as stated, immediate cleaning is essential, and of course safety
is paramount.
The Humble Electric Toaster.
Introduction
Whereas The Kettle is the darling, the tart
of Rough Cooking, The Toaster is The Grumpy Old Man in the kitchen when it comes
to any experimentation and any resultant fun to be had.
Because by its very design it is vertical, it means that
virtually anything beside bread you put in will inevitably slide to the bottom
and into the workings, creating havoc with not only your plans for 'food' that
evening, but cleaning
it out afterwards will be a sullen affair on both your sides.
Apart from bread, crumpets and 'Pop-Tarts' (...Yak!..),
about the only thing it will handle is a very light smearing of Marmite
or Bovril. Don't even think about 'pre-marmalade-ing' your
bread. This would seriously piss it off.
No, its best to leave the old man to his own devices when
it comes to kitchen fun.
The Toasted Sandwich Maker.
Aah, now we're back in the amusement arcade, a
pocket full of spare change, a wild look in our eyes, and with so much to see and
do!
Traditionally used to make 'toasted sandwiches'.
Obviously, but there is still quite bit you can do with one of these, especially
if like me, you haven't yet got around to purchasing a 'George Foreman' yet.
A couple of months ago, a friend 'gave' me a packet of
bacon. While I thanked him profusely, I couldn't for the life of me think
how to cook the stuff.
Then it dawned. The only problem with the use
of this machine is that everything comes out in that neat 'triangle' look, but
if you're not into the cosmetics of food, then its not insurmountable.
Most things can be tackled, but may require a little light
'surgery' before inserting them between its cheeks. Frying small eggs is quite
fun as you can cook four at a time with the lid open.
If like me, you use your sandwich toaster on a regular
basis, there is no need to add any cooking oil as lubrication. The oily residue
from that cheddar toasty you had a couple of days ago is more than adequate,
and presumably it has a Teflon interior coating anyway.
Another thing to note is that especially if making the
inevitable and ubiquitous cheese and onion, don't overload it with cheese.
As it melts and cooks, it will ooze out of the back and down the sides, making
cleaning it a bitch.
When I first got mine, not having really used one before, I
loaded up the bread with cheese in the same pattern as the Teflon molding, putting no cheese
where the machine 'cuts' the bread. Wrong! Just load it up as you
would do a 'normal' sandwich and you'll be fine.
The other day in "nickwardpersonal" I mentioned
my use of the microwave to cook sausages. I didn't note it at the time,
but they do look more than a little anemic after cooking, even though
they're probably better cooked inside than by conventional grilling or
frying. If you like, purely for aesthetic reasons, you can toast them for a
couple of minutes to give that authentic 'pan fried' look.
The 'George Foreman' Grill.
As I said earlier, I haven't got one of these yet,
but one is right at the top of the list. Very similar in use to the
sandwich toaster, but with a much wider range of uses including meat and
vegetables.
The Slow Cooker.
Same as the George Foreman, but pretty soon...
The Microwave Oven.
Aah, here we are back in Funsville U.K. Tales of
just what you can do with these are legendary and have been featured on
many TV shows (..."Brainiac" to name but one...), but I'm not going to
go through all that now. Yes, we know about the five minute egg that
wasn't pierced, the magical effect of tin foil. etc. etc. While
this is good for a laugh right there and then, the following day when you want
to use it and you can't, it's a bit of a bummer.
No, I'll show you a couple of things that you can do with one
that wont destroy it!
As with previous devices, I know it's a drag, but keep
yours clean! Loads of people I know (...naming no names, B.E.M...) let
the crud build up and only wash them once or twice a year. Yak! A
quick wipe after each use, and there's no need to scrub the hell out of it when
you realise the turntable wont turn due to all the detritus on the bottom.
So, that's about it for The Cast, apart from the odd tools
you may find in any toolbox -screwdrivers, forceps, pliers, the odd piece of
wire or two and the like, but I'll be blowed if I'm photographing all those!
And on to the recipes...
These are in no particular order -until I get around to finally editing it
all down, so just scroll through until you find something you like, print it out
and enjoy!
